Keeping It Together

The past few weeks I feel like I have barely been keeping it together. It's been such a roller coaster adjusting to being back at work after the summer break and using my time wisely. I am not a wise time user. I am a huge procrastinator (mostly--sometimes I do do things right away, but not usually) and that always gets me into trouble. When will I learn? Well, I could learn now but that would go against my procrastinating personality, so I'll just wait until my head is about to explode from stress and learn it then. And that, my friends, is exactly where I am. I have finally learned that my day will go so much smoother if I can do these 3 things:
1) Know what I am going to cook for dinner after I get home so I'm not scrambling around trying to defrost meat or scrounge around in the cupboards for ingredients we've run out of.
2) Know what I am going to wear to work the next day
3)Know what the kids are going to wear the next day.

So simple, yet makes such a huge difference! And despite the craziness I feel because of our new schedule, and the nights that I think "Why do I do this to myself?" I am glad to be working. Every time I come home and I tell Blake how tired I am or that my feet hurt, he says, "then quit" (luckily we are not in a position where my income is needed). He is always telling me to quit my job. And as tempting as that sounds...I just can't bring myself to do it. The two times I've attempted to leave teaching and just stay home have not boded so well for me.  I love working. I have finally come to terms with myself and no longer feel guilty about working. I am a better mom/person when I work. I feel fulfilled--a different kind of fulfillment that for me, I can't get from being a mom. I am fulfilled being a mom, but sometimes I need more.  Maybe that sounds awful, but for me it's true. I know many people don't feel that way and that is fine. A friend at playgroup asked me if I missed my kids while I am at work and without really thinking I blurted out, "No, not really." I felt like a horrible person for saying it and maybe need to explain a little.

I love my kids. At the end of the day I am excited to see them and snuggle with them and read to them and have Brooke tell me all about her day. I am excited to kiss Porter's juicy cheeks and read him books while he laughs and points. But during the day I am happy to be where I am because I know they are in great hands with H. Brooke is learning and doing so much more than she ever would with just me. Porter is interacting with other kids and plays, takes his 3 hours naps, and is happy as can be.

I've come to a place in my life where I've realized that being a classroom teacher is my talent. Not sewing or crafting or photography (even though I wish they were!) or anything else. I have a knack for it and I enjoy it. My patriartical blessing even talks about it. It fulfills me in ways I can't find anywhere else.

I know that I am a good mom. I definitely could be better, but I would feel that way even if I stayed home. And in my case, I don't think I'm as good of a person when I stay home. When I am home I get bored, I am irritable, I waste too much time online. I know many moms who love being home and that is great--but all moms are different and moms know what is best for their family. I love this quote by M. Russell Ballard:

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.

I don't know how long I will continue to work. It may be only another year or it may be the next 20 years. I trust that Heavenly Father will let me know when it's time.

...sorry, don't know how this post got off on such a tangent...

Other things that are making me crazy right now: Running. I love running. I love running  miles and the incredible feeling I have afterwards. I hate doing it after dinner when it is still very hot outside and I've just spent an entire day on my feet and I'm tired. I love being in shape, but hate that I won't exercise consistantly unless I have signed up for some kind of race. I hate that I have race hanging over my head that causes me to stress about training for it. See how my mind works? I can't win.

But despite all that, I fully plan to sign up for another race this spring. Not sure if it will be a running one, though. I think I need to do something else. I am thinking about a triathlon.

I am hoping once we get through the madness of September, things will settle down and I'll be more in a routine and won't have to try so hard to keep it together ;)